Holy crap, I actually did it

Posted: May 26, 2014 in Uncategorized
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Well I finally pulled the trigger. After several months of kicking this idea around in my head, I finally made this blog.

Why? Who the heck knows why ideas pop into my head, where they come from, or why some stick and others (usually the really good, important, and intelligent ones) flutter away. But some appear they’re stuck until I do something about them, or get bored. In this instance, I think perhaps this is my brain’s way of trying to make sense of this fairly recent diagnosis/revelation/ explanation. Bear with me, I am no writer and I have ADHD (duh its in the title……), so my ability to ramble and wander off on tangents is pretty legendary. If you’re expecting perfect grammar, punctuation, organized thoughts or flow of writing, well then you’re pretty much like everyone my entire life and are going to be disappointed. If you’re a fellow member of the ADHD tribe, no explanation needed. So here goes a brief attempt at an explanation for why;

About 1 year ago, I was diagnosed as having ADHD. As an adult of almost 30, being told you have ADHD initially makes you go “no way, you’re an idiot and terrible at your job. Where’d you get that MD in Psychiatry, at the toilet store?” (First warning, movie/TV show quotes and references will abound, I can’t help it, and believe it or not I actually filter approximately 98% of the ones that pop into my head. So deal with it). Most of us, myself included heard ADHD and picture the well established, grossly inaccurate and diagnosis-delaying stereotype; hyper-active adolescent boy, bouncing in his seat while doing horribly in school. So like the majority of people who are diagnosed that look nothing like this, our initial reaction is one of disbelief because like most people, we bought into the stereotype.  Weve also spent our entire lives whether we were aware of it or not, desperately trying to be as “normal” as possible, believe the people who judge us, and to hide as much of the ADHD as possible, but thats a story for another day.

I am not an adolescent boy, nor did I do horribly in school. I am an adult female (spoiler alert!! Yep those of us sans weiner do indeed have ADHD you jerk-faces) who while not wowing anyone academically, possesses both undergraduate and graduate degrees, AND is pretty successfully gainfully employed as a staff athletic trainer at a Division 1 school (which shall remain unnamed to protect the ability for me to blab away without fear of ridicule, sorry to disappoint). But wait a minute? People with ADHD can’t function in school, there’s no way you could’ve made it through college 2 times, you’re a big faker looking for meds arent you? False. I did not seek out this diagnosis, nor did I initially want any medications, I was actually in a bit of denial/disbelief for a period of time. So I did what I usually do when faced with questions, to the internet!!! Diving through the wormhole of the interweb, I after hours of watching squirrel videos soon began discovering that the notion of ADHD I had in my head was false, and I was reading many signs/symptoms/traits that felt a little too familiar for comfort. Females do have ADHD, the signs and symptoms are very very different from boys, and many are not diagnosed until later in life. OK sounds like me…. But I’m still not convinced. Female’s with ADHD are often called tomboys, chatty cathy’s, will not always show academic issues at all, and many get good grades. Hmmm OK a little creepily accurate, but still not gonna believe it. But then I stumbled upon personal accounts from fellow adults who were diagnosed later in life, specifically females, and the reality hit me in the face. It was if I was looking in a mirror, that someone was reading my mind or reciting my life. It was reading these people’s first hand accounts, hearing them describe in unsettling detail exact thoughts I have, things I have done, things I struggle with and things that were told to them that I finally began to understand what this meant, and that everything made some weird kind of sense. I finally had some context to begin to understand why part of me had always felt different or defective, and without those people’s personal stories and accounts, I would not have been able to begin to try and make sense out of the mess that it felt my life and brain had become.

So after that failure at an attempt at brevity, here are the Cliff’s Notes of the 3 reasons for this blog:

1. To in some way contribute to the personal stories out there that helped me accept who I am and what this diagnosis means and doesn’t mean, and maybe provide the same to someone else.

2. To attempt to sort out my own jumbled thoughts, experiences and feelings about what all this means moving forward, and how to continue to figure some stuff out and try to function as a viable adult. (key word try)

3. I came to the realization that the profession of Athletic Training is a PERFECT profession for fellow ADHD’rs, and even though Ive never met anyone who admits diagnosis, there have GOT to be a ton of us out there. I cannot be the only one, so here’s to throwing some radio signals out into space and hoping for fellow tribe members to hear it.

Thats the basic nuts and bolts. The journey is young, and far, far from over and even though many things are better, each day still brings with it struggles and frustrations. So well see where this blog experiment goes.

Until next time……

The ADHD ATC

 

 

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